I Hate Jesus

I hate Jesus, and I’m saved.

You may be shocked by my statement.  But that’s okay.  As a Christian, I was a little shocked myself when I heard the sentiment come from my lips.  Hate for the King of the Universe?  Who does that?  Well, I do.  I’m a Bible believing Christian, who hates Jesus.

It’s not Him as a person I hate, but moreso what He stands for.  See, I wasn’t raised in the church.  I went as a child here and there, but I wasn’t gung-ho every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, raised in the church like people I know.  And, as an adult, when I found myself returning to Christ, I was sold out.  I was 100% on board with the transformation that Jesus had in store for me.  The only problem was that transformation didn’t occur like they said it would.

So often I heard the words, Jesus will make everything better in your life.  That’s a LIE, and I’m here to tell you don’t believe it!  Jesus WILL CERTAINLY NOT make everything better in your life.  But I believed the lie.  I believed it so much, so hard, and for so long.  But as the years passed by… and everything did not get better, I developed this deep hatred for Jesus.

Now let’s not get it twisted.  I love Jesus.  I love Him with my heart and my soul.  But there is a part of me, a deep and strong part of me that truly hates Him.  Why do I hate Him?  I hate Him because He didn’t do what they promised me He would.  I hate Him because He asks me to let go of things I enjoy.  I hate Him because He requires more of me than I think is necessary.  I hate Him because of everything that happened to me before I met Him.  I hate Him because I don’t know what to do with this Hate.

I’ve talked to Him about it.  And I realize that my hate is unfounded.  I understand that I shouldn’t have depended on others to tell me HOW Christ was going to change my life.  But tell that to a new Christian who so desperately was looking for his life to change.  Tell that to someone who KNEW the way they were living was a dead end road and KNEW there was so much more available to them.  Tell that to a young man who had no father and had no example ,and had no foundation for God or who He is.

I understand that I put expectations on God that He never promised me.  I get it, I really do.  I realize that coming to Christ means giving up certain things OF the world and walking in a way that shows His righteousness and His holiness.  But I HATE that part!

There are aspects of me I don’t want to give up!  There are parts of me, right or wrong, that I like.  There are things I feel I deserve and He should give me because I’m His child, because I read my Bible like I’m supposed to, and go to church like I’m supposed to, and pray like I’m supposed to… even when I don’t do those things.

I know all the right answers.  But those answers don’t remove the hate from my heart.  So one day, in my prayer time, I told Him.  God I hate you!  And I proceeded to tell Him all the reasons I’ve listed in this blog post.  I let my anger out.  I talked to Him.  I screamed at Him.  I cursed at Him.  I cried with Him.  When I was done with my “moment”.  God spoke.  He didn’t say much.  But it was probably all I could hear at the time.

Three little words.

I love you.

That’s all He said.

That’s all I needed to hear.

I responded…  I love you too Jesus.