I hate Jesus, and I’m saved.
You may be shocked by my statement. But that’s okay. As a Christian, I was a little shocked myself when I heard the sentiment come from my lips. Hate for the King of the Universe? Who does that? Well, I do. I’m a Bible believing Christian, who hates Jesus.
It’s not Him as a person I hate, but moreso what He stands for. See, I wasn’t raised in the church. I went as a child here and there, but I wasn’t gung-ho every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday, raised in the church like people I know. And, as an adult, when I found myself returning to Christ, I was sold out. I was 100% on board with the transformation that Jesus had in store for me. The only problem was that transformation didn’t occur like they said it would.
So often I heard the words, Jesus will make everything better in your life. That’s a LIE, and I’m here to tell you don’t believe it! Jesus WILL CERTAINLY NOT make everything better in your life. But I believed the lie. I believed it so much, so hard, and for so long. But as the years passed by… and everything did not get better, I developed this deep hatred for Jesus.
Now let’s not get it twisted. I love Jesus. I love Him with my heart and my soul. But there is a part of me, a deep and strong part of me that truly hates Him. Why do I hate Him? I hate Him because He didn’t do what they promised me He would. I hate Him because He asks me to let go of things I enjoy. I hate Him because He requires more of me than I think is necessary. I hate Him because of everything that happened to me before I met Him. I hate Him because I don’t know what to do with this Hate.
I’ve talked to Him about it. And I realize that my hate is unfounded. I understand that I shouldn’t have depended on others to tell me HOW Christ was going to change my life. But tell that to a new Christian who so desperately was looking for his life to change. Tell that to someone who KNEW the way they were living was a dead end road and KNEW there was so much more available to them. Tell that to a young man who had no father and had no example ,and had no foundation for God or who He is.
I understand that I put expectations on God that He never promised me. I get it, I really do. I realize that coming to Christ means giving up certain things OF the world and walking in a way that shows His righteousness and His holiness. But I HATE that part!
There are aspects of me I don’t want to give up! There are parts of me, right or wrong, that I like. There are things I feel I deserve and He should give me because I’m His child, because I read my Bible like I’m supposed to, and go to church like I’m supposed to, and pray like I’m supposed to… even when I don’t do those things.
I know all the right answers. But those answers don’t remove the hate from my heart. So one day, in my prayer time, I told Him. God I hate you! And I proceeded to tell Him all the reasons I’ve listed in this blog post. I let my anger out. I talked to Him. I screamed at Him. I cursed at Him. I cried with Him. When I was done with my “moment”. God spoke. He didn’t say much. But it was probably all I could hear at the time.
Three little words.
I love you.
That’s all He said.
That’s all I needed to hear.
I responded… I love you too Jesus.